Apple has reinvented the age-old typewriter with a brand new version. First came the manual typewriter, then the electric typrewriter, and now Apple has created a brand new version called iType that is also an electric typewriter, but bigger and with an Apple logo. The tech company has been hailed as the leader of creating really incredible products, and then recreating them seven or eight more times. Although the product is the exact same as the most recent typewriter produced, it has been selling like crazy. Rumors are in 2017 they’ll be coming out with the typewriter in gold.
For the Top Ten Hashtags of 2014 click here!
A common phrase to denote a simple task is, “It’s not brain surgery.” Now, brain surgeons feel like the stupid ones. “I went to school for over a decade to become a neurosurgeon, and have worked twelve hour days saving people lives, and yet, Derek Shepard made more holding kitchen tongs to a plastic brain than I do making someone see again,” said Charles Absorn during a press conference. While millions of people across the country tune into Grey’s Anatomy, he insists he can’t even get someone to cheer in the viewing room and not a single patient has asked him to sign their brain. This mass exodus from the neurosurgery field has caused an influx in actors and actresses and not enough brain surgeons. “If you want us back,” Charles Absorn said, “You’ll have to give us a little more. I’m not greedy or anything, but a little appreciation every now and then wouldn’t kill anyone.” Hollywood has yet to comment, but it seems these neurosurgeons are having trouble gaining traction in their acting careers due to lack of "attractiveness."
Today, on November 21, 2015, we celebrate the anniversary of Current Event Comedy’s birth. We also remember the mine explosion in the Heilongjiang province of northeastern China that killed 108 people. But that didn’t happen in America, so no need to linger. Back to birthdays! Current Event Comedy was born premature with only three articles, but has grown to over thirty articles ranging five different categories. Like any birth, it was difficult and took many hours of labor, but after it was over, the pain was mostly worth it. Current Event Comedy will be celebrating its birthday like anyone else, constantly checking social media for shout-outs. And, like any good birthday, we’ll congratulate and send good wishes to the child who did none of the work. So, congrats Current Event Comedy, on being born. It’s not like all of us didn’t do it too.
The press’s focus on a female candidate’s fashion choices has been a site of much controversy as their male counterparts are said to receive much less scrutiny in the realm of wardrobe and hairstyle. Calling it not “real” reporting, Cecily Strong called the press out on their obsession with discussing Hillary Clinton’s changing hairstyles at the White House Correspondents dinner. Since then, the general media has sought to remedy the disparity by launching equally disparaging attacks at male candidates, particularly Donald Trump. “It’s not easy to remember that women are people too, but if we can’t treat women better, we can at least try to treat men worse,” said Jason Krilt, a FoxNews reporter. Meanwhile, the general public continues to be surprised that something as mundane as wind could affect people as fantastic as our politicians. If their hair isn’t even strong enough to handle the wind, how will they handle Putin?
Sixth Grader Hooks Up With Eighth Grader But She’s Homeschooled And Lives Too Far And Doesn’t Have Social Media So You Can’t Meet Her
PHILADEPHIA, PA – After an “epic” spring break trip with his family to Niagra Falls, young Danny Writher has reportedly rejoined the sixth grade student body holding his head just a bit higher. He mentioned casually to a classmate near the drinking fountain last Tuesday, “I totally got with a really hot eighth grader over break.” When asked for confirmation, however, Danny shook his head saying, “I would love to show her to you, but she doesn’t believe in pictures, or uh, texting.” While we have yet to see any evidence of the passionate love affair, our correspondents are furiously working to find the young lady that, according to Danny, “lit up his world and had huge boobs.”
Every year on Columbus Day we celebrate Christopher Columbus, the best 'finders keepers' player of all time, with a day off school, and a brief conversation about that thing that happened that one time to those people that wear heardresses. Like any good American, Columbus hated foreigners, even if he was one himself, and was always right.
After hundreds of years of being pushed off their land by the white man and his overcomplicated laws, Native Americans have decided to beat the white man at his own game: squatters. The game practiced and respected throughout the civilized world allows one person to save their spot by saying the word ‘squatters’ before vacating briefly. In an interview with Anderson Cooper about the immorality of the casino industry, Chief Roberts said, “Listen, before Chris got here, I called squatters. Clear and simple.” The question remains what is the time limit on squatters? No one knows, and the Supreme Court will decide this issue next fall.
Moreover, in response to the recent immigration controversy, Chief Roberts has said he also finds it unconscionable that people would immigrate to a new land without consent of the people that live there. "I firmly believe everyone who immigrated to this country should leave," Roberts said to Trump with a wink.
Joseph Flauner, fed up with people telling him to 'think outside the box,' held a press conference last Thursday to announce that he will officially be staying inside the box. "I like the box. It's a nice box, and lots of good things have come from the box," he said. Although friends and coworkers have expressed concern about his debilitating fear of change, Joseph assures them, "If you change things, then something bad could happen, and we don't want that." He further claims his recent promotion to Assistant Manager at the local Safeway is proof the box is working out just fine. In an interview with his mother, she didn't seem so sure. "Yeah, he's fine with staying inside the metaphorical box, but if I kicked him out of my basement, I don't think he would enjoy the cardboard box on the side of the street too much," she said as she made him an egg salad sandwich. Our news correspondents have confirmed, he likes the crust cut off.
It’s a day we all look forward to with pride: striding up the stairs of your local decrepit school building to cast a vote for whomever is the least horrible choice. That person, God willing, or Electoral College willing, will become the next President of the United States. Although a new crop of eager young people have turned eighteen in the past four years, the majority of them have decided it’s just not really a decision they want to make. One such young person commented, “I just can’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders like that,” another said, “If it wasn’t for the fact that the Electoral College makes my vote moot, I would be really worried.” Luckily, for a large number of African Americans, they don’t have to bother themselves with making a decision this November, as new voting laws have disenfranchised a large percentage of them.
Although Steven was nervous for the fast approaching moment when he would be given a legal injection, he noted, “The room’s not too bad with the sky painted on it. It looks really real. Good job guys.” This change came after a slew of death row inmates said they found their last moments, “a bit unpleasant,” and so the jailhouse implemented this measure to make their time strapped onto a bed that much more comfortable. Especially with the lag times between lethal injection and death getting longer and more painful, it’s become more and more important to give the inmate the kind of warmth he or she deserves.
We can all look back fondly on the days of the middle school challenge for who can remember the most digits of Pi. Some of us got to 10, 20, or even 30. Others didn’t know what was going on and were just waiting to eat the pie your teacher brought in. Either way, none of us managed to learn all of them. In fact, no one had. That is until young Lee Jeakson accomplished this previously unheard of feat. “Ya-huh I did,” said Lee last week insisting he had, in fact, memorized the infinite sequence of numbers and anyone who didn’t believe him was, “a big fat liar.” Although he hasn’t yet recited the numbers, he insists, “You don’t gotta believe me, I swearrr I did.”
I understand your job is difficult. There are a lot of suspicious people to sort through, and I appreciate your efforts to keep me safe. So, I would like to make your job easier. I don’t want you to have to go through the trouble of looking through all my e-mails, phone calls, and search history in order to find me. I understand I’m a high priority, and you spend a lot of time looking through my personal information, but I’ll just share it all with you.
I’d like to begin, however, by clearing up that the time I looked up how to build a nuclear bomb: purely intellectual curiosity. I pinky swear I would never create a nuclear bomb (I didn’t even pass chemistry). Did you know it’s not that hard though? You guys should watch out for that. Also, I have a few concerns. Today I was walking to work and I saw a sandwich wrapper on the street. I’m not sure, but it might be a terrorist. I just want to make sure. It could have also been a falafel wrapper. Also, I was drinking coffee, and I asked the coffee if it liked America, and it didn’t answer. I think that may be something you want to look into. If you need, I am willing to turn in the coffee.
I want to thank you for protecting my liberty from the kind of monsters who would go through my phone calls, e-mails, and search history, with no adherence to the rule of law. That would be disastrous. If there is every anything you all need, I have seen every Mission Impossible movie and am ready for my first assignment.
The struggles of straight, white, single men never ends, but for young Joshua Stells, he might have just found the answer to his dating woes. “I was making the account for my seventh dating site: FarmersOnly.com, and realized that I was going about it the whole wrong way.” After years of bad pick-up lines and watching Netflix alone, Joshua has found the one thing that sets him apart: he not only won’t give his date Polio, but he’ll also save her all the marshmallows in a box of Lucky Charms. Upon coming to the conclusion that he is indeed an excellent suitor, he promptly changed his match.com account to read, “I promise not to go near a single marshmallow in all of the Lucky Charms and I’m vaccinated. So basically, I’m the whole package.” We can only hope that this newfound confidence doesn’t go to his head.
After years of captivity, Branson the lion has discovered he’s not cut out for life in the real world. “I’ve tried putting down a deposit on a house, getting a car and a job, but turns out my credit score is horrible,” remarked Branson after having his credit card declined while buying a set of original Yu-Gi-Oh figurines. In addition to bad credit, Branson has complained that life in captivity didn’t teach him any practical life skills like balancing a checkbook, avoiding paying taxes, or hiding a body in a cramped trunk. All of which he later learned from watching reruns of I Love Lucy.
In addition to practical skills, Branson found that he doesn’t know basic things such as why the sky is blue or why Adam Sandler keeps doing awful movies. Although he can do the quadratic formula and balance a ball on his nose, Branson complains that neither of those will ever help in the "real world," especially with the job market being like it is for lions. Nonetheless, Branson is proud to be finding his own path away from the constant vigilance of his overbearing zookeepers. After months of unemployment Branson is on the managerial track at the local McDonalds, and continues to reject his zoo upbringing aside from occasionally asking them his disgruntled zookeepers for money. Above all, for Branson, the biggest struggle is that his paws make it incredibly difficult to text.
Answer the following five questions about the most controversial issues of the day to see what side of the aisle you land on.
A. I don’t see color – only shapes
B. Not a huge fan of black people
A. I carry around the ashes of Karl Marx
B. We should probably just go ahead and eat the poor
B. If you smoke weed you will get pregnant and die
A. I don’t want to die
B. Gun control is fun control
A. Interrogation techniques maybe a bit too enhanced
B. Are you hiding a bomb in that hijab?
If you answered 'B' to three or more of the questions, congratulations, you're a Republican. If you answered 'A' to three or more of the questions, congratulations, you're a Democrat. If you just scrolled down to the bottom and didn't answer any of the questions, fuck you.
Two world wars isn’t quite enough for the only place whose list of countries it’s invaded is longer than the menu at The Cheesecake Factory. Although their tourist guides don’t tend to include the years 1939 to 1945 – God knows why – there is the invasion of the Roman Empire by Germany to remind us of the long-standing history of German invasions. Germany does have strict restrictions on building up its army, but in a quote last Tuesday the Bundeskanzler (Chancellor) reportedly said, “Ich weiB uberhaupt nicht kummerm” Except as it sounded more like an angry mess of sounds one would likely make after stubbing their toe, we're not sure how to translate it. This time, however, they do say they’re hoping to avoid such a large loss of civilian life, and instead, just ask the other countries nicely. They have already sent lavender scented letters and pink roses to Russia, Israel, Iran, China, and Japan, asking them if they would please “surrender peacefully. Love, The Fourth Reich.” When asked by the UN if they will just let it go and not try to take over the world again, Germany reportedly responded, “Don’t worry, we’ll sign any treaty you want.” Despite being warned by the United States about the military response if they try to annex anything, 90% of Germans polled responded with, “not too worried,” or “like you did with Russia and Ukraine?”
On this holy day of the 4th of July, Huffington Post has come out with a citizenship test that 'Mericans actually have a chance of passing. So have some beer, insult a minority group, and see if you have what it takes to be called a true 'Merican.
After years of spending millions of dollars crafting advertising slogans, companies have decided to just be truthful with the world. The following slogans are what the companies felt accurately described their business and the way people felt about them.
1. MySpace: Sorry for wasting your time
2. Starbucks: We’re both not sure why you keep spending money here
3. Facebook: You need us to get grad party invites
4. Beyoncé: You’re welcome
5. Pepsi: For when there’s no Coke
6. BP: What oil spill?
7. Apple: No, we do not know why there is a bite in an apple
8. McDonalds: Real meat is overrated
9. Google: We are the internet
10. Nike: Just screw it
As Drew Benson began to change into his gym clothes in the beautiful, 500 square-foot gym his business company had afforded him, he looked around to notice only two other people were in there with him. Upon exiting the locker-room and approaching the track located around the three full sized basketball courts, he again realized there were few people there. Finally, once moving into the weight room with its thirty treadmills, seven lifting bars, and twelve unidentifiable electric machines, he found that the gym was all but abandoned. Although Drew, forty-five and over three hundred pounds is only a beginner on the gym scene, he is also the new expert around the office, fielding questions about protein shakes and number of reps from curious employees.
In the aftermath of the racially motivated Charleston shooting, there has been debate over whether or not the Confederate flag that stands in front of the South Carolina Capitol building should remain. Although the many Republican candidates have refused to give a clear comment on whether or not they believe the flag should be taken down, there is a rising movement to replace the flag with a new symbol of southern pride: the McDonalds logo. A South Carolina local commented on the new flag suggestion, “I barely know what the Confederacy is, but I sure as hell know about McDonalds. I think it really represents what I stand for,” With bipartisan support pushing this new flag design through, the south is looking forward to advertising their widespread obesity instead of their widespread racism.
After a week of dating, Jaclyn Finer and Tom Sleer experienced a brief moment of awkward eye contact from across the cafeteria. "I looked left to grab some chips, then he looked right to talk to his friend, and then... then we just saw each other. Of course I immediately looked away, but it was just so uncomfortable," recounted Jaclyn last week after the incident. The young couple has been conversing nonstop for months over text message and until the cafeteria incident, had successfully avoided any face-to-face interaction. When asked about the state of their relarionship now that they have made eye contact, Tom assured reporters that despite this temporary drawback, they would continue to ignore eachother and only converse through text message. A friend commented on this latest development saying, "I just can't believe they've made eye contact already. I mean, I know they're in love and all, but it's only been a few weeks." Although the couple agrees they are moving a bit fast, Tom is reportedly pushing for hand holding soon.
Are you a secret southerner? Do you crave denim and are just a bit racist? Answer TRUE or FALSE to the following questions to find out!
1. The Confederacy won the Civil War.
2. I don’t know what the Confederacy is but the South won the Civil War.
3. Texas is its own country.
4. KFC is a food group.
5. I have a grandpa cousin husband.
6. Poor doesn’t necessarily mean lazy, in my case, it’s just a happy coincidence.
7. I am what I eat, and I am a giant bowl of Grits.
8. “Ya’ll” is in the dictionary, and I’ll prove it to ya’ll.
9. George W. Bush wasn’t that bad.
10. I’m offended by this quiz
If you said FALSE to six or more of those questions: Congratulations, you’re a northerner! If you said TRUE to six or more: Well, you’re from the South. Hopefully you’re white otherwise good luck.
By Joey Rubin
The 2016 presidential election campaign season is beginning, and many candidates are joining the race just in time to spend the large amounts necessary to come off as a down-to-earth, homegrown Americans. The two main democratic competitors: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, are in a fierce race to see how much Hillary will win by, while the Republicans: radical Ted Cruz, inexperienced Ben Carson, controversial Chris Christie, and moderate JEB Bush, have decided to skip the primaries, and just pick straws instead.
It seems that Hillary Clinton is poised to win the Democratic nomination, and is a strong candidate to win the general election. Her political experience includes her roles as both a Senator and Governor in New York, Secretary of State under President Obama, and the first female Vice President under Bill Clinton… Literally. Despite the controversy surrounding the Clinton administration, Hillary has been dubbed “a beacon for women,” a surprisingly effective strategy due to the large percentage of American women who have all had relations with Bill. When asked how she plans to be this beacon, Hillary reportedly dropped her head and muttered, “By being faithful to this country in ways Bill wasn’t.” She has, however, been seen courting multiple Saudi princes to which Hillary assured reporters that they are, "just friends." This was confirmed later in a recent interview when the princes said that they were not interested, and that they couldn’t keep up with her constantly changing hairstyles. They also commented, "The only Clinton we’re interested in is Bill." Although Hillary has a strong lead in the polls, Bernie Sanders could still make an impact. The socialist is honest and stands for equality, two things which are only approved of by 30% of Americans according to a recent Gallup poll.
The Republicans have countered Clinton and Sanders with a ragtag group of misfits that all have parties and hate girls, or was that the plot of Little Rascals? Despite accusations that the Republicans are decentralized and disorganized, they claim the number of candidates is due to the diversity of the party and the lack of support all the candidates have, combined. Ben Carson could do well, considering he can attract the sizeable population of black conservatives, and has no public service experience. Ted Cruz has so far managed to avoid scandal despite the fact that his birth certificate shows he was born in Calgary, Canada. The plus side of this, however, is that since he’s not totally American, he’s probably a bit better than most of us. Chris Christie’s only drawbacks have been his multiple scandals, raging temper, and a fear among his supporters that he cannot physically keep up with the presidential race. The front-runner for the Republican Party, however, seems to be legacy Jebediah Bush, building on his grandfather’s strong showing as former U.S. president. He has shown versatility appealing to both confederate radicals and Jewish liberals in Florida to become governor in 1997.
People care so little about all six candidates that the election could come down to their own final six votes, considering the projected 3.4% voter turnout. Surprisingly, according to Pew Research Center, 96.6% of Americans will blame the next president for all the nation’s problems. In addition, it appears that the Yippies have entered another pig into the election, and he appears to be leading the polls.
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
1. Northern States Asking If It’s Not Too Late To Let The South Secede
2. Local student decides to commemorate MLK Day by watching BET
3. I died once, but I think it'll look good on my college app
4. Top Ten Hashtags of 2014
5. Should we legalize marijuana: Ehhh, probably?