At a time when America was just starting to get good at oppressing minorities, the Southern states, insisting that they had been growing apart for a long time, finally broke with the Union. Citing the break-up as “the best thing for both of us,” and “long overdue,” Confederate President Jefferson Davis called the North “clingy” and “demanding,” insisting that the North just didn’t understand that blatant racism and systematic oppression wasn’t just a phase, it’s who they really are. So, like any scorned ex, the Union fought to get them back the only way it knew how – slaughtering their families and destroying their homes. Now more than 200 years later, like anyone in an unhealthy relationship, we’re starting to regret getting back together. Other than the fantastic cooking, they’re really dragging us down. It’s becoming more and more difficult to explain to friends why we’ve insisted on staying with an uneducated, fairly racist, and religiously dogmatic partner. The fights just keep getting worse. It’s impossible to argue with them. I swear if I have to justify evolution over creationism one more time… I’ll secede myself.
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