A. Women have the right to choose. Whether it be important decisions like flats or heels or whether or not to abort your unborn child, a bunch of men don’t get to decide what a woman does with her body. This right was given as a right to privacy in the Supreme Court case Roe v. Wade. If you don’t know which court case that is, it was the one that mandated men buy donuts for women on their period. It’s true, look it up.
There are already so many shitty people already in the world. Let’s say just 50% of people in the world are just awful human beings, this means that there’s a solid chance your kid will also at least kind of suck. Moreover, statistics have proven that the chances of your child being a piece of shit is substantially higher when you wish you could have aborted him or her. There’s nothing like knowing you wish your child was never born to really fuck them up. And your kid will know. Trust me, they’ll know.
B. It’s a human being. I don’t care if it’s only a few cells; the potential for life is life. When the sperm meets the egg, it’s a zygote! A motherfucking zygote! You try and tell me something named zygote doesn’t have thoughts and feelings. That’s the coolest name ever.
People say that if abortion were made illegal again, there would be more dangerous “back-alley” abortions. But these people are ignoring the massive benefits of this! Yeah, some women might die trying to abort their child, but finally a good way for people to practice giving abortions who don’t necessarily have a medical license. After graduating from dissecting a frog in middle school, some people don’t have the money to go to medical school, but would still like to get their fair share of practice, giving abortions is the perfect opportunity!
C. Ok, I know there’s been a lot of discussion about whether or not to terminate me, and honestly, totally fine either way. But if you are going to keep me, let me just say a few things. I know the doctors say you shouldn’t just binge on nachos and burgers while pregnant, but seriously, I’m starving – are some fries really too much to ask for? I am giving you the biggest boobs of your life after all. By the way, I’m only three inches long (five by Jewish standards) so all that weight you're gaining isn’t me.
When I kick your belly, it’s not me being cute. Stop having people touch your belly to feel me kick. When’s the last time you smiled when someone kicked you as hard as they could? It’s emasculating. And stop blasting Beethoven 5th or whatever the hell else that noise is. It’s not making me smarter; it’s just really annoying. If you want to play music, get some Big Sean, Jay-Z, maybe a little throwback Kanye but keep it in this century. And I swear if I have to hear a single more Nickelback song, I’ll terminate myself.