By Blake Small
You’ve spent a long time going to school already, some of you longer than others, but now it’s time for Junior year. In a recent article concerning the sharp increase in selfies among teenagers, the New York Times called junior year, “literally the worst,” and when asked to comment on the effect of finals on a teenager's twitter feed, they could only say, “I can’t even." This guide, however, will allow you to survive until you get past this year and on to the beauty and wonder and ease that is the real world. One of the reasons this year is so difficult is that along with being on top of your schoolwork and extracurriculars, it’s important to get a job. I know this sounds awful, and it is, but having your own money will be so rewarding. The amount of alcohol you can buy with a legitimate paycheck is extraordinary! No more asking your parents for money, no more scrounging for spare change behind couch cushions, and no more selling your organs on the black market! You’re an adult now – drinking away your paycheck without consequences. You may not think alcohol money is a good investment, but a few weeks into junior year you’ll be glad you spent the week checking out groceries, babysitting, and even working the occasional prostitution ring.
This may seem grim, but despite it all, some form of higher education will accept you. You will be chanting the anthem of your local community college before you know it as your dreams fade away replaced by the harsh reality of unemployment and debt. However, through this all, you will have a great group of friends to support you. They may not be smart, funny, or even that exciting to be around, but it’s sad to drink alone, so get some damn friends, loser.
You’ve spent a long time going to school already, some of you longer than others, but now it’s time for Junior year. In a recent article concerning the sharp increase in selfies among teenagers, the New York Times called junior year, “literally the worst,” and when asked to comment on the effect of finals on a teenager's twitter feed, they could only say, “I can’t even." This guide, however, will allow you to survive until you get past this year and on to the beauty and wonder and ease that is the real world. One of the reasons this year is so difficult is that along with being on top of your schoolwork and extracurriculars, it’s important to get a job. I know this sounds awful, and it is, but having your own money will be so rewarding. The amount of alcohol you can buy with a legitimate paycheck is extraordinary! No more asking your parents for money, no more scrounging for spare change behind couch cushions, and no more selling your organs on the black market! You’re an adult now – drinking away your paycheck without consequences. You may not think alcohol money is a good investment, but a few weeks into junior year you’ll be glad you spent the week checking out groceries, babysitting, and even working the occasional prostitution ring.
This may seem grim, but despite it all, some form of higher education will accept you. You will be chanting the anthem of your local community college before you know it as your dreams fade away replaced by the harsh reality of unemployment and debt. However, through this all, you will have a great group of friends to support you. They may not be smart, funny, or even that exciting to be around, but it’s sad to drink alone, so get some damn friends, loser.
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